Try as I might, I can’t shake it off. I’m having a bad case of LSS (Last Song Syndrome).
This started a few hours ago when I went through some of my records to decide which album would be my soundtrack for the day. While riffling through the stack, I unconsciously popped my copy of the The Faculty OST. It’s been a long time since I played it – I realized – when the familiar notes drifted from my player and Alice in Chain’s Layne Staley’s voice crooned . . .
We don’t need no education.
We don’t need no thought control.
Class of 99’s rendition of the Pink Floyd original brought back memories of the past and the debilitating fact that almost made me catatonic. Like everyone else in the universe, I’ve become just another brick in the wall.
SEGUE: Much to my shock, the track played twice without me even knowing I’ve programmed it to do so. I swear! There’s really a ghost in my machine!
Anyway . . . so there I was, sorting through my other records when I’ve been unconsciously humming Another Brick in the Wall. It somehow got stuck in my head and played on loop for whatever diabolical reasons my brain did. I guess it’s my subconscious telling me that “Hey! You’re leading a lackluster, boring life! Snap out of it!”
Yes, I’ve been a quiet kid for most of my formative years. I’d rather be alone during my free times (a.k.a. time between school work and home) than spend it doing nonsensical things like hang-out with people I don’t really like but does occasionally so my folks wouldn’t think that I’ve gone anti-social or something. I’m happier with a book in hand and some munchies on the side while I devour every word from an Austen or Verne tome than talk about boys in a ridiculously childish manner when I’m way ahead in years regarding maturity compared to my contemporaries. Through it all, I’ve never considered myself as normal and let alone a clone like everybody else. [Think those children in Village of the Damned.]
Then, how come that several years later, whenever I see myself in front of the mirror, I see someone who can blend in the crowd like Sydney Bristow in Alias? No amount of primping have diverted the realization that I am not myself anymore. The saddening part is, I’ve let myself go like this. It is absolutely depressing to know that even with carefully applied make-up on and shining tresses, I am a sad shell of a person.
As I’m typing and trying to make sense of my whirlwind thoughts, and the lyrics from the song hounding me while I’m looking at my blindingly white wall and wished I have brick walls instead, it reminded me that my ordinariness can be compared to another brick in the wall.
I don’t want to be another brick, unless it’s a neon pink painted brick amidst all the black. I want to stand out from the wall and be my old vivacious self once again. I want to reclaim my alpha status that I seemed to have lost over the course of a year.
What happened to me? Where did all the years gone by? Is finally seeing the normalcy in my life a sign of the upcoming apocalypse?
Barely recognizing myself from my formerly lively one is truly one of the signs that it’s time to change. It’s time to make myself be who I used to be without the added immaturity of youth. Maybe the environment I’m in or the nature of my job isn’t working in making me grow, letting me become stagnated and eventually arrive to this shallow excuse of a person. I want to be that special brick in the wall. I want to stand out without becoming a glory whore.
I want to be someone who’s irreplaceable.
But that can only happen when I’ve regained control of all my faculties, change my Pentium self into an i5 and finally live the life I always wished for myself. I will have to start over, revamp my outlook in life and go on from there.