I often find myself buried under existential quandaries of late. It’s probably because of the heat. Or it might be because of the things I went through for the past several months – dealing with death and familial estrangement.
Gradually becoming a bit more grave and sometimes somber without the help of any narc or alcohol, I realize that the sadness, and, most often than not, depression I’ve been experiences is due to the fact that I’ve been only existing. I’ve become anti-social and a loner. I diverted back to my younger self – the one who barely speaks in class and keeps to her room the moment she arrives home.
And like what the old adage, “We start to die the moment we were born” brings a sour note to my now revamped outlook in life. It makes it all the more poignant when I observed that the signs of “just existing” is truly evident in my lackluster life.
I do not wonder that I am alone in experiencing such because I know for sure that there are tons more people plagued with more serious thoughts than I am. My ramblings might come off as annoying to some and insignificant to other. Nevertheless, sharing my random musings is the best way to get through my otherwise staid existence.
I remember being the life of the party . . . the one person who can get people pumped up with just a few spoken words and laughter. And that wasn’t even a long time ago!
Where did time go? What happened in the in-between? When did I stop being happy?
Honestly, I wasn’t born as a loud, extremely social person. Yes, I’ve been involved in a lot of extracurricular activities in school, but that was for extra credits. I only came out of my shell – so to speak – during college, when I can be free to express myself and diversity is encouraged rather than shunned. I really kicked it high then. But, like any good thing, there will come a time when you have to hang up your dancing shoes and start a new chapter in your life – a life that doesn’t involve loud rave music playing havoc to your eardrums or taking shots with total strangers and just having a crazy blast. It’s time to become an adult and view things in life with a matured eye.
I miss my outgoing self. I wanted a little part of it back in my life right now to spice it up. My only desire is to live and not merely exist now.
To live . . . really live is easier said than done. It involves more than simple breathing exercises or opening your eyes when you wake up in the morning. It means being with other people – experiencing and sharing moments with others and making lasting memories worth being recalled during dotage. To live is to be a part of someone else’s life.
Since most of my time is spent at home and at my home office for quite some time now, my so-called life has dwindled into just existing. Waking up and finding myself feeling lonely because of the lack of interaction with fellow human beings, having “skinship” with people, is beginning to drive me insane.
However, it’s obvious that reopening my social calendar will mean more time outside and probably taking a 9-5 job in a company somewhere. That’s the dilemma. I’m so used to working at home now with the added comfort and convenience of it to just go back to the chaotic corporate world and be subjected to office politics that I don’t have the patience for. Or I could set aside a significant amount of my time outside, which will be utterly dependent on the availability of funds and companions.
Why was it so simple before and so difficult now? Shouldn’t it be easier now since we’re earning money rather than being dependent on our meager allowances to have fun?
Alas, the answers evade me. Hopefully, I’ll get enlightened eventually.