Deafening Silence

Do you sometimes want to tear your hair out when it’s all too quiet?

Deafening Silence
Image courtesy of http://www.allthatglittersbook.com © Rose Waugh 2004

I do.

Being too silent — whether we’re talking about your surroundings or a state of mind (i.e. business deals or waiting for a job offer) — often makes me anxious.

Yes, I do sometimes fall prey to the ever evil “A” complete with sweaty palms and countless pacing around my minute apartment. Thank goodness I don’t live with anyone, otherwise I will drive that person insane along with me.

Anyway, when it’s too silent, I feel a foreboding, ominous cloud hovering over my head; like it’s the calm before a storm or it signals and usher in something that I would not be able to control. When this happens, old bad habits, debilitating self-doubt and all-consuming fears return. The feeling of being powerless is slowly choking me, easing its way into my resolve and eventually rendering me vulnerable and helpless.

I hate feeling vulnerable and helpless; been there, done that. I’ve experienced it countless of times already that I don’t want to repeat that experience — ever.

Being vulnerable is crippling; it strips away the years it took for me to reinvent myself, making myself more assertive. I’ve been prone to fall down to that unwelcome familiar black hole brimming with lack of self-confidence that I crawled out from more than a decade ago.

Therefore, whenever it’s too silent, I fear “something wicked this way comes” (borrowing from Shakespeare’s Macbeth).

So, when this happens, before nerves cripple me and panic settles in, I feel the need to go find my center again — meditate like crazy, take at least 10 minutes of breathing exercises, and gird myself for the unknown, which was usually accompanied by the metaphorical dark clouds. 

Life Is a Constant Battle of Fears

sword fighting cartoon wolves
Image courtesy of http://www.fanforum.com

Maybe I am self-centered, or maybe I just think too much. But whenever the deafening and unbearable silence happen, it feels like another test of my mettle is about to happen.

I often think that I am always caught battling against my old . . . and new fears. It’s a never-ending vicious cycle that makes me wish thousands of times to be all over.

Will it ever end? It has to in some point in time.

I sometimes feel like I’m undertaking Herculean tasks in order to achieve happiness — that ever-evasive happiness; Like whenever I am finally gaining ground, something comes up to make me take 3 paces backwards. And before I knew it, I’m back to square one. It’s frustrating as hell. A person with a lower resolve and lower self-esteem would have jumped in a nearby river by now.  I’d rather not. If I’m going to die, I want to do it peacefully.

Pretending fears do not exist is a coward’s way out and I don’t want to be labeled as a coward — not anymore. At least not in front of my face. 

Bracing myself for the storm is something I went through a couple of times that I am not a newbie anymore. At least I know how to maneuver myself around them now and have developed some keen skills and abilities to combat the onslaught. But, are my skills enough to finally achieve a comfortable life?

How will I finally get out of feeling anxious whenever I’m waiting in that poisonous silent stage?

How To Prepare For The Coming Personal Deluge

With the fears crowding my mind once again, I always make sure to find a diversion like:

a] take time to clear my head

b] do an activity or anything that will create a solution to a current problem

c] come up with plan b, c and — if possible — until plan d 

d] find a way to uplift my spirit by conferring to others whose opinion I value a lot (preferably NOT a parent, sibling or relative — they tend to muddy things more than it already is  — which is based on experience).  

I also make sure that I’m in “my happy place“, which is not necessarily a physical place, but more of a psychological and emotional one. As much as possible, I cram my schedule with activities so as not to have an opportunity to worry a lot.

Anxiety poisons your very existence, and the big “A” has no part in my plans for the future. 

In my opinion, being prepared is more efficient in battling the deafening silence. If there is a way to altogether eliminate that threatening feeling, I will find it and I will gladly share it.  But for now, keeping a straight head and going through those four ways will suffice.

 

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