Your life is what you make of it.
What brought about such seriousness from moi, you ask?
To be frank, a couple of people with relationship problems trapped in anxiety-inducing situations was what made me write this post. Annnnndd it’s been a long time coming.
As expected, my over-analyzing brought me to search deep within myself (cue in tantric music) seek the answers to what makes a person level-headed, secure and lead a life without all the negative garbage readily available around us — influencing us and making us nuts (nuttier in my case).
You see, I’ve been in a sweep-the-negative-vibes-away streak for months now. In so doing, I have sort of related every pinprick of hurt I’ve experienced in the not-so-distant past to those who walked through my threshold and seek my advice — all solicited so I don’t have any reservations (whatsoever) in telling the truth right smack on their faces even if it hurts. Because frankly, the truth hurts like a sumb*tch.
Honestly, the thought of channelling Tony Robbins or Dr. Phil is freakin’ me out. I mean, who the f*ck am I to give advice to the bent and the sometimes broken? I don’t have a degree in Psychology. I don’t have a TV show where hundreds of people clamor to be a part of the audience. I’m not credited.
All the psychoanalytical hodgepodge I know and dispense comes from what I have learned through my thirty-something years of life experiences and observation of human behavior. These observations and understanding of the human psyche served me well when I was part of the corporate training circuit. And it seems it is still serving me well when relating to people.
I’m just going to give two common scenarios that came my way.
One example is this person who wanted to know what to do with a secret-Casanova bloke and the distance (literal) between them that’s making their long-term, dry-as-toast relationship on the rocks. The moment she entered my life (and vision), I asked her what is her real fear? Is she afraid of being cheated on or being single? Because let’s face it, a person who’s been in a long-term relationship sometimes stay in that relationship out of habit and out of fear of being single. True.
I get the habit thing. Lord knows I’ve held on to people and stuff that I’m afraid of losing because it can create a hollow where it was used to be. But then again, pragmatism reared its magical head and admonishes me that there are other things that can fill that void, which wouldn’t give me stress in return.
Then, there’s this other person who projects a tough exterior and calmly views the impending break-up with a friend-turned-lover-ish partner, but was self-castigating in the process, asking that maybe there’s something wrong with her looks department or maybe it was the distance. Distance might play a big role in the schism, but if both sides of the crack wants to volt-in and superglue the relationship, no amount of miles can break it — not even a convenient BFF playing surrogate girlfriend.
As some of my more jaded acquaintances would say, “Out of sight, out of mind,” doesn’t really stomp on the whole connection thing. When you have established that connection with someone you not only want to jiggy with, but also want to have heart-thumping, wordless snuggles with, the miles will fade away. There are more ways to make the connection stronger now compared to a decade ago, so it’s just a matter of how much you care about the other person living in another continent.
Regarding the partners cheating because the other somehow let go of themselves in the looks department, I’m a bit torn. I think it depends on how much you let yourself go.
If you stopped making your face look fresh and scrumptious or when you stopped dressing with a come-hither agenda like when you started being a couple, then that’s something to be concerned about. It doesn’t mean that you’re hideous creature from the abyss and don’t deserve love and affection. You just obviously are in a slump and your inner-goddess needs a little boost or even some major CPR. But if you only gained a couple of pounds, yet still maintained that gorgeousness albeit in a full-figured, Rubenesque kind of way, then, your dude is an ass. Better dump the jerk before you wake up one day and wonder why you’re wasting your time with a douchebag.
Dispose and Move On
I believe that looking particularly nice shouldn’t depend on another person. You can still look nice even when you’re single and not dating anyone for more than 5 years. Look nice for yourself — to make you feel good and not have a grand mal seizure when you look at your reflection. And when you let someone make you feel less of yourself, it’s time to let that someone go (with your footprint on his/her behind). No amount of psycho-analyzing is needed.
In a less than democratic way, people who make you feel bad, unworthy and undesirable are poison. They’ll make your perception of yourself and the way you view your life rotten. Don’t drink the poison; don’t even cradle it lovingly in the palm of your hands. Throw it away like the very plague and move forward in your life with purpose.
Dispensing Solicited Advice
Sometimes, I hold myself back from stating the obvious out loud because deep inside I know how it hurts to hear the truth. Hell, I’ve experienced that sh*t and during those times, I’ve got no one to bonk my head and made me realize how stupid I was. All I had back them were self-analyzing, soul-searching and self-castigating that lead to major lack of self-esteem and self-doubt (that I’m still struggling with sometimes).
Giving advice and thinking of doing it as a public service also makes me feel uncomfortable. But then again, they came to me, asking for advice. Who am I to turn down the bent and broken? I’ve got a soft spot for the downtrodden, you see.
Then, there were times when I wish there’s a machine with AI that can dispense advice (like a level-headed and perceptive person) and where people can go and put that token in the slot, pull the lever down and get a Confucius-type of typewritten card that tells them what to do so I won’t bear the burden of thinking if what I’ve dispensed will do them good or not. I am sometimes afraid that I would make it worse for them, because, like what I said, I do not hold a PhD or some sh*t on Psychology/Psychiatry. What I say is what I know — mostly common sense (I wonder why some don’t have any).