I’ve been going through some tough sh*t lately (talk about an understatement) and ushered back all the demons of my past, hounding me and pushing me to my breaking point … a point that could have ended my life but I was too chicken to push through.
I have lost sight of who I am, what I am and what I truly want in my life. I’m on self-destruct and soon, all aspects of my life tasted the bitter effects of it. Tumbling down the wrong rabbit hole left me bruised and aching inside. I felt abandoned and so alone.
I hit my lowest point to date.
It’s uncontrollable and I hate it. I may not be a control freak, but having control of at least 60% of my life is a welcome respite compared to the chaos my emotional demons has caused.
Now that I think about it, it’s funny that it has to take several nervous breakdowns to realize the true extent of the love of those around me … or not.
It made me appreciate…
A tear-filled (at least on my end) Skype call to a dear friend, which brought me down to my knees and selflessly admitted that I wasn’t as strong as everyone believed me to be and that I’m so thirsty for affection and reassurance.
A reunited friendship I really thought was over and broken, and would never mend, actually brought in a slew of stronger emotions an ordinary friendship wouldn’t have. I am so glad that a single picture melted down my strongly constructed walls, break down my silence and made me send that text message.
A new friendship (that I wouldn’t even thought would happen) became a voice of reason and a guiding light to my darkest days/nights.
And a realization that no matter how much I tried, I will always be a people person and my self-imposed seclusion must come to an end or risk losing whatever rational thinking I have left in my exhausted brain.
Battling my psychic demons have been gruelling and gruesome. I’ve been knocked around, broken and reduced to tears — something an acquaintance, most friends and even family members wouldn’t believe will happen to me. The strong woman persona they know me for is just that — a persona; something crafted to deflect people from knowing that I’m actually an emotionally-scarred person who only wanted to have some semblance of clarity in life and experience true love and happiness.
The pro analyzed it as stemming from my early childhood days and I would have to eventually let go of it. But the past is something so powerful that cannot be evaded. In order to let it go, I have to reluctantly revisit it with the help of the pro and finally exorcise the hell out of them once and for all. It was tough. I ended up getting physically sick from it from too much emotional pain.
Anyway, getting better is a process that will take time. It’s not something that can be switched on/off at will.
Will I get better? I do hope so. What I know for sure is that I’ll need a full arsenal of genuine care, unconditional love, support and understanding from people who are closest to me.
Now, I can truly profess how lucky I am to have a strong support system in terms of friends who truly love me and care for me. If I didn’t, I would have ended it two weeks ago with a bite of a sharp object on a particular vein.