When you see someone — perhaps a stranger — strutting like he owned the world, have you ever thought that he has issues with self-esteem or if he was born to rule the world with his [too] generous smiles and soft voice?
I wonder how I came to be like this…
A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t even thought that my life will come to a full stand still as I watched others lived theirs in the fast lane. It’s like seeing it matrix-style — slow motion with CGIs (you know the slow-motion, dodging bullets scenes).
Yes, I’ve dodged bullets numerous times. They call it smart. I call it luck. So whenever I face crunch time, I am at my most creative. When not, I’m at my laziest. So, the way I see it, I am the engineer of my own stand still.
Should I blame my inherent introvert tendencies? Should I blame the economy that prompted me to live a self-inflicted, secluded like?
All I have are tons of questions and none of the answers I truly seek.
Getting answers from others take a lot of effort. Unless they know my history and my penchant for over-analyzing, it would take a million years to tell the prologue because they won’t otherwise believe that even the mighty Rose can have a Kryptonite.
You see, I’ve always been perceived by the general public as a cheerful entity that brings sunshine to an overcrowded dance floor. But the truth is, I’m not a 24/7, life-of-the-party type of person. I’ve never been a complete party animal.
I’m someone very much in the middle of being an introvert and an extrovert. I enjoy socializing around like-minded people as much staying at home throughout the weekend, snuggling in bed with a good book smack in front of my face and eating ice cream for lunch. However, even if I do not share a drop of blood with any of the Kardasians, I still wonder I wonder what happened to my formerly semi-active social calendar.
Cue in the depression…
Honestly, I’ve been struggling in this infernal dark cloud for months now. Yeah, I’ve had interventions and went through a couple of mind-bending sessions to keep any unkind tendencies at bay. I’ve also made an effort to be more visible to the public, a feat since I’ve been working at home for more than 4 years now.
But what happens when those actions are not enough anymore?
At night, I often get tempted to check out my former subordinates’ lives through the various “social media” platforms I fondly call the very “devil”. Yes, the temptation was too great and just like Judas, my mind went nuts. Obviously, it was a hell of a bad idea.
Because I’ve succumbed to temptation, I’ve now been plagued with self-doubt and low self-confidence. I needed someone to smack me with a metaphoric anvil and wake me up from this negative stupor.
That’s why I called the cavalry, a.k.a. friends.
I’m so fortunate to have friends who’d call me out on my bullshit and not just feed more to my pyre of unjustified melancholia. They listen and they lay it out in plain terms that I’m stupid. Yes, the cruel edge of friendship can be enlightening in times of self-doubt.
So, there I was, pretending that all’s well in life with my cheerful façade that didn’t fool a friend who knew me better than most. I am stupefied by the truth that came out of the person’s mouth … I am also grateful because I wouldn’t have thought someone sees me that way. If only I could bottle up self-esteem, store it in my medicine bag and pop a pill or two when I feel the need to.
Suffice to say, my self-worth had rebounded and I am once again at peace with myself. But the nagging question is: Until when?