September was the start of the “ber” months as what we call it here in the Philippines. It ushers in the colder temperatures, more typhoons and of course the most awaited holiday for most people (not me though) — Christmas. By the time this post is published, it’s exactly 85 days before Christmas.
Along with the festive aura surrounding me comes feel good songs that unconsciously became the most played tracks on my music console — well, at least 80% of my top ten list.
Let’s head along to the countdown.
Reminder: The music listed is not connected in any famous countdown charts. They also do not follow a regulated genre or era. It’s as (how shall I put it?) my own list of favorites for the month of September.
I’ve always like Stars. The moment I started listening to them back in 2011, I’ve always adored the way they create music. Among my favorites are Dead Hearts, Calendar Girl and Your Ex-Lover is Dead. But recently, I’ve developed a crush on Reunion. It’s the melody and arrangement that brings flowers to my eyes.
I may pretend to be composed and self- possessed at times, especially when facing difficult situations wherein there’s an audience. But I do fall victim to one of the evils for self-control — panic.
Yes, I panic. Who doesn’t?
When I am in the position where my I am not the only one who’ll get into a difficult situation, I panic and get into nervous breakouts. my face gets all whacked with zits and rough patches — completely psychological, I know. But sometimes . . .
I believe that it’s only human to have panic attacks at least once in a lifetime. I may not like it, but like a bad case of viral infection, it creeps up on you when you least expect it. It’s surprising, debilitating and I am beset with the urge to run to the nearest mountain and embrace the possibility to become a hermit just to escape it. However, there’s no escaping panic when it’s not just you who’s involved.
Making Decisions = Game Plan
Because I’m so used to making decisions that only affect “ME”, when it comes to those that affect others, I’m stumped. It is much more difficult to make compared to when the only person involved in the decision is myself. But then again, anything is possible when you’re honest and ready to communicate with the people who are likely to get affected with a decision that you have to make.
I was in a tumultuous place before I started this blog. It’s like nothing ever seems to click. Everything I do doesn’t add up to anything I want to accomplish. The worse thing was, the same old fears that I battled against a decade ago came crashing back and I felt miserable and none too happy with what I foresee of my future. It was a bad place to be in.
I lost interest on activities that usually makes me feel better. I used to have a full social calendar and I never lack for company. I always had a person to talk to and had the financial security to back up my social life.
Then the recession happened.
Even if I live in a different continent, the world market’s decline had a big impact on the industry I worked in. There were major cuts and unfortunately, I was one of them. After having an awkward meeting with the CEO and HR Manager, I completely shut down. I closeted myself in my apartment for three whole days without talking to anyone and my phone turned off. I lost my zest for living.
I am sick and tired of hearing people chronicling how they had their “wake up call” in an obviously insincere way. A little sob story here and a couple of anecdotes there . . . and viola! The poser gets to have the attention of many, blinding these people into following his or her footsteps in trying to make themselves a better person or veering their lives towards the right path all for the sake of fame and money.
Am I the only one who can see how fake it is? Are people really blinded when it comes to self-development that they’ll carry-on, believing some numb-nuts when — from the way I see it — self-development shouldn’t be completely reliant on money-making schemes or on a self-help book. Self-development should come from self-awareness and the drive to change (for the better) and not on making some greedy fool get more Benjamins out of a simple and logical idea that needn’t come from a book or a $500 speech. Unless the speaker or the author is a certified professional in the field of mental health, I’d rather not go down that road.
People, honestly, you can do so much reading and so much listening. Unless the will to change for the better hasn’t been knocked firmly into your head, nothing will change — you won’t change. You’ll just end up with a bunch of books and what-not that you’ll eventually donate or sell second-hand later on.
Do you sometimes want to tear your hair out when it’s all too quiet?
Being too silent — whether we’re talking about your surroundings or a state of mind (i.e. business deals or waiting for a job offer) — often makes me anxious.
Yes, I do sometimes fall prey to the ever evil “A” complete with sweaty palms and countless pacing around my minute apartment. Thank goodness I don’t live with anyone, otherwise I will drive that person insane along with me.
Anyway, when it’s too silent, I feel a foreboding, ominous cloud hovering over my head; like it’s the calm before a storm or it signals and usher in something that I would not be able to control. When this happens, old bad habits, debilitating self-doubt and all-consuming fears return. The feeling of being powerless is slowly choking me, easing its way into my resolve and eventually rendering me vulnerable and helpless.